{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\cocoartf1561\cocoasubrtf610 {\fonttbl\f0\fswiss\fcharset0 Helvetica;} {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red0\green0\blue0;} {\*\expandedcolortbl;;\cssrgb\c0\c0\c0;} \margl1440\margr1440\vieww10800\viewh8400\viewkind0 \deftab720 \pard\pardeftab720\partightenfactor0 \f0\fs36 \cf0 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 Opposable Thumbs\ (By Eric Erdman)\ \ I had a free Saturday afternoon which is a rare occurrence for me. So I decided to stroll on down to the Audubon Zoo\ Though I had gone probably a dozen times before ....I hadn't ever gone alone. \ So for all intents and purposes this experience was brand new. \ \ This time I wasn't preoccupied with explaining to a field tripping child how this particular species of gibbon is considered higher up the hierarchy of primates than the other gibbons because it is closer to humans than the rest\ Or trying to impress some date with my stories of world travel. "I once saw a Cassowary not too dissimilar to this one, whilst down in the Pacific Islands. Dangerous birds" and all that mess. \ \ No. This specific Saturday I only had me. And silence. Well i mean it felt like silence at first but of course it wasn't silence at all. \ There were sounds of all kinds. Cackles and whoops and tweets (the non presidential kind) and howling and breying and mating calls. \ \ But since these sounds were non human , no. Sub human. I guess I initially thought them to have little real significance other than mild entertainment. \ But as I strolled along in my perfectly broken in Lucheses, I checked the news, weather and time. And, and I felt genuine pity as I peered through my RayBans at a tortoise having to squint. \ \ Poor beast will never know anything but the simple. \ Poor beast has to live without shelter from nature \ Poor beast stumbling around on legs like stumps \ There but by the grace of God go I ..... \ So Like Excalibur from my pockets I brandished these magnificent unparalleled finely tuned ...\ \ Opposable thumbs \ 100 million years of mechanical advantage perfected leaving these silly beasts in our wake\ Opposable thumbs \ I mean without these things we wouldn't even \ be able to text for God's sake \ Opposable thumbs \ So much better than hairy paws or cloven hooves for sure\ Opposable thumbs \ Given the choice I can imagine how quickly every animal would trade what they have for\ Opposable thumbs \ \ Yeah, our ancestors sprung from that primordial ooze sprinting toward the Paleolithic \ Wearing a T shirt that says "Take that , Trilobites" We won the race. And I'd say "In your face." But having a face is a prerequisite \ \ But amid my gloating I noticed a grin across the beak of that tortoise. And then I heard him clear his throat. \ I thought I was losing my mind when he took a step closer to me and spoke \ \ He said "So.....\ I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself i mean slow and steady is kinda my M.O.\ But I couldn't help but see your chest swell with pride when you looked at your hands a few moments ago \ \ It caught my attention because I just love to see any species proud of their work\ But I thought I'd help you out, .....as a friend, because I'd hate to see anyone ELSE see you as a jerk. \ \ I mean those opposable thumbs you're so proud of have done some wonderful things. And I'm not here to criticize \ I'm just thinking maybe some of the accomplishments have been a touch romanticized. \ \ I mean, true, You have satellites and internet connection even on your tiny watches \ But from what I can tell you just use every technology to take and send better pictures of your crotches \ \ And I'm not trying to make you feel bad but before those supreme digits of yours\ There was a lot more forests and clean ocean and oh yeah, no wars\ \ As my embarrassment sank in it obviously had made itself evident in my eyes. \ The tortoise gave me a friendly glance as I swallowed a 55 gallon drum of pride \ \ It took a while to ease down off my high horse. And then apologize to the horse. \ I have to rethink a lot more than just fingers after that tortoise's discourse \ \ Opposable thumbs \ 100 million years of mechanical advantage perfected leaving us just silly beasts with guns and erection creams \ Opposable thumbs \ Gave us buildings and planes but didn't take us quite as far as we think from our primal needs \ Opposable thumbs \ Have caused a lot more damage than even the worst talons or claws\ Opposable thumbs \ After a 15 minutes pause\ \ I got my brain around the existential repercussions and I raised my head \ I gave that tortoise a nod to say thank you. Looked at him and said\ \ I guess when our first little Jack Horner sat in his corner on that high chair .....\ When he jabbed in his thumb the best thing he could've done ....\ \ Is left it there. \ \ Opposable thumbs \ 100 million years of mechanical advantage perfected leaving us just silly beasts with guns and erection creams \ Opposable thumbs \ Gave us buildings and planes but didn't take us as far as we think from our primal needs \ Opposable thumbs \ Have caused a lot more damage than cloven hooves or hairy paws\ Opposable thumbs \ And if next time they let us draw straws. \ \ I hope I come up with flippers or fins\ \ But I hope I don't come up with \ Opposable thumbs}